On adulthood and expectations.

I didn't want to write this blog.

Not this ENTIRE BLOG, I mean this specific entry. It wasn't even that I didn't know what to write about, as I had three or four prompts in my head. I made a goal for myself to update on Tuesdays, because I like routine and once a week seems reasonable enough. WRONG.

I forgot. I mean, it's on my to-do list, but then I forgot and got wrapped up in the various day-to-day life tasks, and then Tuesday was gone and my blog wasn't updated.

When you're a kid, nobody tells you how much of adulthood is just forcing yourself to do things that you don't particularly want to do. Right now, I have dishes to wash, clothes to put away, clothes to wash, a fridge to clean out, sheets to change, floors to be vacuumed, a bathroom to be scrubbed, exercise to do...the to-do lists are endless.

How many of us are the people we thought we would grow up to be?

If you'd asked child-me what life would be like when I was 31, I'm not sure what I would say. I'd probably have said something about being married with at least one child, some kind of furry pet, Disney vacations, a big house complete with housekeeper -- as creative as I was then, I don't think I had any kind of real imagination when it came to my future.

I do not think that it would've ever occurred to me that I'd be a twice-over college dropout working a decade in graphic design and printing. I don't think I would've thought that I'd still be in Southern Maryland with weekly dates with both my sister (and the nephews) and my parents (it's Wednesday, which means it's Rosary night with ma and da). I don't think that it would've occurred to me that I would have problems with spending, or that I'd have problems with eating, or that I'd have so many body issues in general.

It's not that I'm ashamed of the life that I ended up growing into. I know my path here was forged by years and years and years of small decisions that shaped where I've ended up. I know that it's not the simple and perfect life that adolescent-Christa had dreamed about, but it's what I ended up with.

On the upside, I also don't think that my younger self would've imagined my move to Florida, and the 25 visits to Disney World during that year. Or the number of times I've had ice cream for breakfast. Or the number of cats I've lived with (have I mentioned that I LOVE CATS?).

Recently, I found a quote saying, "You should never regret anything in life. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." I'm working on internalizing that. By these standards, I've gotten myself into A LOT of situations in which I've set myself up for learning from experiences. LOOK AT HOW GREAT I AM AT ACCIDENTALLY TEACHING MYSELF LIFE LESSONS! That's an achievement, I guess.

Regardless of where I thought I'd end up, I am where I am. I can either feel crappy about it and wish things were different, which seems like a waste -- or I can continue to try and find the good things and the valuable lessons I've learned, because this is a life that is uniquely mine. Even if it's not ideal according to 12-year-old Christa's standards (I think she'd be horrified, if I'm honest), I can at least take some comfort in my own sense of individualism, and the fact that I am very loved by my family and friends, and that's all a lot of really want if we simplify it all.