On other people's opinions of bodies that aren't theirs

I've been trying REALLY HARD to get into online dating because if I want to be in a relationship someday, I need to meet people to date. It's been an adventure, and while some of it has been a GREAT ego boost (like how I've been on 3 First Dates that all ended with guys wanting to take me out again, regardless of whether or not I wanted to see them again lol), some of it has been really really hard.

To minimize the emotional impact it has on me (because socializing is HARD WORK), I have a whole system worked out on Bumble, which is where I do my online dating (I had a few accounts on other free dating sites, including OkCupid, but somehow my experiences on those were almost all terrible, so I was like JUST BUMBLE IT IS). If we match, I send a copy-paste generic message as an opener to break the ice -- and I even state in the message that it's a copy-paste because "coming up with unique icebreakers just to be ignored is kind of exhausting".

The responses to this have been INCREDIBLY INTERESTING. It's ranged from silence or even unmatching, to notes of appreciation or funny jokes, to one guy who read it and immediately asked me to go out with him. Not all the responses are good, not all of them are bad.

One guy, though, chose to respond with "You're too fat to have these messages", which prompted me to reply with a smartass "And you're too much of a rude asshole to get a response after this."

Most people who know me know of my own struggles with my weight and my self-image and my self-esteem, and how it's been (and continues to be) a hugely uphill battle with myself. This stranger managed to hit me right in my Achilles Heel, and on a stronger day it might not have phased me much.

Yesterday, though? I was tired from a long (AND FUN) weekend of hanging out with friends and family, and I was already emotional from PMS-ing, and that comment stung. I CRIED. I cried and then I went to my friends for reassurances and commiserating in what a [bad word] this guy was being, and how I wished I could show his mom what he said to strangers, and how I hoped this wasn't indicative of who he was as a person because that was just sad.

In general, I try to choose kindness. I have moments where I don't succeed in it, usually when I'm tired and my patience has worn thin. There's a lot of truth to the phrase "hurt people hurt people"*, in my opinion.

I'm lucky. When my feelings are hurt like this, I'm usually able to pick myself back up, through my own stubbornness and determination, and because I have people who love me and who will not hesitate to remind me of why. I feel sorry for this random dude that cares so much about the weight of strangers on a dating app that nothing else about the person matters -- especially because I'm kind of great, and a good person, and regardless of my current weight or body shape, he's missing out on someone who puts a lot of effort into making other people happy. I MEAN, I AM ALSO WORKING ON MY OWN HAPPINESS, TOO.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. Maybe it's because I think vulnerability builds character, and if it's uncomfortable for me to talk about it usually means (to me) that I should. Maybe it's because a guy asked me recently why my self esteem was so low. Maybe it's because another guy asked me why my initial message to him included the sentence "I'm smart and funny and fat" when "skinny people probably don't say they're smart and funny and skinny" (his words). Maybe it's because I talk a big game about loving and accepting myself, but that's hard to do when complete strangers are so comfortable telling you their thoughts about your body.

Maybe I just want to admit for a second that sometimes I hate what I look like because I have interactions like this and they suck.

I'm just glad that my tears lasted for less than a length of a Boyz II Men song (last night was a 90's R&B slow jam night), and that in the moments when I don't have the mental strength to tell myself (a la Christina Aguilera) YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, I've got people who will remind me until then. And will threaten to hunt the meanies down and punch them in their mean faces (but not actually do it because we do not condone violence).

Other people probably aren't so lucky. This guy probably doesn't have many people feeding him kind words, or maybe I'm just trying to come up with excuses and reasons as to why kindness wouldn't have been his first choice reaction.

*A scene from the new season of Arrested Development has Tobias telling this to Lucille in attempts to make her a better person, and she responds with something like, "Oh I like that" which SURPRISES EVERYONE because I'm sure we were all thinking WHAT Lucille trying to be nice? but then she continues and says, "I usually think 'make people cry, make people cry'" at which point you realize she's completely misunderstood what Tobias was saying lol.

On first dates.

I've been on three first dates in the last ten days. This is HUGE for me, because I kind of accidentally took a dating hiatus from romance for the last ten years. It wasn't like I was intentionally avoiding dalliances with men (WHO SAYS "DALLIANCES WITH MEN" EVEN? SOMEONE WHO ISN'T HAVING THEM, THAT'S FOR SURE), but I was not actively seeking them out and I've discovered that if you're not looking for love at all, sometimes it seems to forget to look for you, too.

So I've jumped back into the dating game. It's hard work, and emotionally exhausting, and most of the time I wonder if it's even worth it, but then I remember that having a family of my own is a goal that I'd like to say I've reached someday, and if I'm not meeting anybody then that's 100% not going to happen.

I've heard all kinds of dating advice from people, but if I'm honest: most of it has gone in one ear and out the other. I must be doing something right, though, because all three guys I've had first dates with have asked me out for second ones. I told myself (on the advice of Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance) that I'll go on two dates with everyone if I'm only feeling lukewarm about them. First dates make people nervous, and I don't know if nervous-them is an accurate representation of who they are and how well we connect. So yeah.

THREE DATES. I'M KILLING IT. It's weird to think about it too much, because I don't particularly like online dating -- it feels strange and unnatural to start any kind of relationship with romantic intentions, and I prefer to get to know people as friends and JUST PEOPLE before moving any further. But clearly that hasn't worked for me in the past, so I'm trying something new. A year ago, I wouldn't even be willing to schedule dates with men, let alone follow through and go on them. PROGRESS! Personal growth!

I'm proud of myself, but also exhausted. If you're in a relationship please hug your significant other. If you're not in a relationship and you're okay with that and you're not looking for a significant other, hug your pet or sibling or best friend, or whomever it is that provides you with love and affection in your day-to-day life. This process is tiring, and it makes me want to work harder to appreciate the people who so freely give me love regularly.