Learning to love life.

RECIPE TIME: Pizza Casserole!

2012-01-19T21:18:00.002-05:00

Pizza Casserole
(OK I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE HEALTHIEST DISH BUT WHATEVER IT IS DELICIOUS AND SUPER EASY TO MAKE)

Ingredients:
1 bag of Egg Noodles (I substituted these for whole wheat spiral pasta)
1 extra large can of Ragu sauce (or any tomato sauce you prefer)
3 cups shredded mozzarella cheese (or more depending on how much you ♥ cheese)
1 1/2 lbs ground beef (if you're a vegetarian, Morningstar's Crumbles would probably work fine, too)
1 package pepperonis (lol, also optional if you're a veggie)

Preheat oven to 350*.
Brown the meat, & drain. I added in an Italian spice mix we had for some extra flavoring, but that's because I hate rules and always like to deviate a little, haha.

Boil noodles until soft. Drain.

Now the layering starts!
It'll look something like this:

Spread a thin layer of tomato sauce on the bottom of a casserole dish
Second layer, half of the noodles
3) half of the meat
4) half of the sauce
5) rest of the noodles
6) half the cheese (I FORGOT THIS LAYER so you shouldn't because it would've been a million times better if it'd had twice as much cheese)
7) rest of the meat
8) rest of the sauce
9) rest of the cheese
10) a small layer of breadcrumbs (this is optional and just something I added at the last minute to give the top layer a bit of a crunch)
11) pepperonis (I didn't use too many if you noticed from the picture, but I'm not a huge pepperoni fan)

The original recipe calls for 1 hour of baking, but I thought that was unnecessary (especially since all the ingredients are already cooked) so I only had it in the oven for half an hour.

Once it's done baking, take it out & let it sit for 10 or 15 minutes.

THE END! It tastes wonderful with garlic bread and a nice spinach salad.

[Original recipe without my variations can be found here!]

SOPA/PIPA

2012-01-18T09:16:00.000-05:00

Instead of staying silent for twelve hours in protest of SOPA/PIPA, I'm using my time to be a little more active with my protesting. When I asked (yesterday, on Facebook) about who would be participating in the Blackout today, there were very few responses -- and a lot of people didn't know anything about SOPA/PIPA at all.

But I think it's really wonderful that big-name websites like Wikipedia and LOLCats (I Can Haz Cheezburger), Reddit, the Oatmeal, Craigslist, Vimeo and even Google are either going on strike or posting A LOT of information about what's going on.

If you google "SOPA Blackout", there are 81 million plus results. It's been interesting to read how other professional agencies are responding (the Motion Picture Association of America is apparently against the blackout, for example).

How can you help?
Check out SOPA Countdown, and then Click here to visit their forums to request a meeting with your senator. Senators are trying to avoid meeting with constituents during the recess, so we need senators' offices to get swamped with requests so they can't ignore them.

There are plenty of petitions going around to garner attention for the bills. SOPA Strike, American Censorship

HERE ARE MORE INFORMATIONAL LINKS:
SOPA/PIPA One-Pager: Here's a quick overview of what makes SOPA/PIPA so dangerous.
Wired For Change: Here's another overview that explains the repercussions of passing SOPA/PIPA.
Growing Chorus of Opposition to Stop Online Piracy Act: This website shows a bunch of letters that have been sent to Government officials highlighting WHY individuals/organizations/companies are against SOPA.
Reddit's Examination of SOPA/PIPA: Probably the most in-depth explanation I've seen so far.

I can't stress the importance of actually letting your Senators know about why this isn't a good idea. The best example? Senator Cardin, one of PIPAs OWN SPONSORS is no longer voting for it because he heard from so many of his constituents (THAT'S MY STATE). Apparently, Senator Cardin has revoked his approval, and Senator Mikulski probably SHOULDN'T vote for it because a lot of money Maryland gets is for technology grants/funding.

Want to know who supports what? Here's a quick list:
Supporters of PIPA and SOPA: RIAA, MPAA, News Corp, TimeWarner, Walmart, Nike, Tiffany, Chanel, Rolex, Sony, Juicy Couture, Ralph Lauren, VISA, Mastercard, Comcast, ABC, Dow Chemical, Monster Cable, Teamsters, Rupert Murdoch, Lamar Smith (R-TX), John Conyers (D-MI)

Opponents of PIPA and SOPA: Google, Yahoo, Wikipedia, craigslist, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, eBay, AOL, Mozilla, Reddit, Tumblr, Etsy, Zynga, EFF, ACLU, Human Rights Watch, Darrell Issa (R-CA), Ron Wyden (D-OR), Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Ron Paul (R-TX)

lol, I know which of those lists I care more about.

And just for fun, have a parody song:
(which could be considered copyright infringement under SOPA/PIPA's laws):

On bravery and courage

2012-01-06T09:42:00.000-05:00

I've been told a lot recently (like the last few months, especially) that I'm brave and courageous. It's nice to hear and I ALWAYS love flattery, but it kind of baffles me. How am I brave?

I don't think it's particularly true. My "courage" is really just the absence of fear, which doesn't seem to be real bravery at all. In general, the greater truth is that it just never occurs to me to be afraid.

My metaphor for this: someone is swimming in shark-infested waters. They don't know there are sharks. Does swimming in shark-infested waters make them brave, or just ignorant to the potential dangers they're in?

THAT IS MY LIFE.

When it comes to things like honesty and baring my soul and sharing what is probably too much information with people, it doesn't bother me much. I'm pretty open with almost every aspect of my life, and I'll answer just about any question that is posed to me. I like to talk. I like to write. I like both of those things even more if I get to do them about myself, since I am pretty much my favorite topic to speak of. Mostly because I'm an expert in Me.

Last summer, I flew to Oregon by myself to attend the wedding of a good friend ... that I'd never actually met in person before. We'd "met" on Livejournal, and our friendship grew over the course of four years of typing words back and forth on a computer screen. It was based solely on our feelings and stories. I didn't know a single other person at her wedding, and some people would probably argue that I couldn't really know HER very well, either, since we'd never met "in person" before*.

It never occurred to me to be worried about how I'd feel at her wedding, or to feel anxious about her not liking me, or that we wouldn't get along, or that I'd find Portland too scary to manage on my own, or that I'd be unable to sleep in my hotel room by myself because of creepy noises. Whenever I told anyone about my trip, they always seemed to gasp and say things like, "I could never do that! It's crazy that you'd go all the way across the country alone for it! How could you do that, I'd be too scared!"

Granted, there were definitely rough spots. There was half an hour I stood in a corner of her wedding reception frantically texting my mom about how I didn't know anyone and they all probably thought I was a weirdo. The poor bartender seemed to notice my unease and kept offering me drinks (which I kept refusing, haha). When my mom started suggesting ridiculous conversation openers ("Ask them what they're doing for the Fourth of July!" "MA, NO. That'll make it sound like I'm trying to invite myself along!"), I decided I'd had enough of wallowing in a corner.

I stalked over to the nearest couple I saw, and introduced myself as, "Christa, Steph's friend from Maryland. I don't know a single other person here, can I sit with you guys?" They were friendly and wonderful and we started into a conversation that lasted until we were ushered to our [separate] tables for dinner, at which point I got to make a whole new set of friends (and they gave me advice on things to do while I was in Portland, which was handy).

That's just one example. I've driven hundreds of miles with friends and had to navigate foreign interstates and city streets, unhelpful clerks at the front desks of hotels at two in the morning. I've tried new foods, visited new places, forced myself to talk to strangers.

I guess I'm brave? But I don't do any of those things with the *intention* of being brave -- it's more like a necessity. Does that still count as bravery?

Bravery, to me, has always seemed more like a conscious choice, like a decision you make to try and overcome something that scares you, or that you know will take a lot of effort.

There are things that still terrify me. The idea of touching any kind of reptile or amphibian makes me shudder. Trying to find a doctor or understand my health insurance paralyzes me into inaction (note to self: DO BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ASAP, PLEASE). Anything with money, potentially spoiled food (MILK SCARES ME. LEFTOVERS SCARE ME. COOKING MEAT SCARES ME.), or My Future is petrifying.

Getting married and having children scare me, but not as much as NOT doing those things seems to.

Sometimes it feels like my brain is all kinds of backwards. How can I be fine with driving thousands of miles to unknown places, and too scared to read through an entire printed document?

What are things that you're afraid of? What are things that you're [unexpectedly] brave about?

*Internet-friendships are a topic for a different post, though. I think a lot of people have a hard time understanding how something like this can be possible, but with all the ways the internet is used these days, how can FOSTERING RELATIONSHIPS be the oddest thing I could possible use it for?

On Deal Breakers.

2011-10-05T10:26:00.001-04:00

I know a lot of people whose relationships have ended (or just .... changed drastically) recently, and it's gotten me thinking about a lot of things. It's different to be on the outside looking in, and someday I might eat my words, but it makes me sad to see people that I have so much respect for accepting such utterly DISrespectful behavior from their significant others.

It made me think about what my own Deal-Breakers would be.

Some of them are silly -- like, my significant other cannot be food (this is prompted by a dream I had last night in which I was trying to date a boy that WAS ALSO A PIZZA WTF BRAIN), he should like sushi and cheesecake, he cannot hate cats.

But even those, as insignificant as they sound, have deeper reasonings behind them. The food preferences are more than just having compatible tastebuds. It's a hope for someone that is open-minded, and up for trying new things -- and if he tastes new food and THEN decides he doesn't like it, I can accept that. Sushi is often one of those foods that a lot of people DON'T try and just assume they will hate ("EW RAW FISH?" uh hi, I keep away from sashimi, myself, most days, but tempura rolls? Veggie rolls? Smoked eel? All cooked, or at least "safe" or whatever). And even if he likes dogs more than cats, he has to accept that I HAVE A FELIX, and this dumb cat has been a part of my life since I was in middle school, and there have been nights I have cried into her fur because it felt like nobody else would listen. Maybe it should be clarified -- you can hate cats, but you cannot hate my cat and you have to accept that I will flail over kittens before I flail over human babies, and that the purr of a warm kitty will reduce me to a pile of goo faster than you can yell Ivan Ooze*.

But there are larger deal-breakers, I think -- ones that sound more serious and less like a joke. He cannot be intentionally cruel. Sarcasm is fine, but not the hurtful kind when it crosses over into being more than just a joke. He has to listen to me. I promise not to take advantage of a willing ear turned my way, but I don't want to feel like we're fighting the same battle over and over again because he cannot understand what I am trying to say.

...And with those two, we've already reached the end of my Deal-Breakers list. Everything else is optional, although past experience has shown that I am drawn to men with a bright sense of humor that can make me laugh and have some kind of musical talent.

What kind of deal-breakers do you have? Have you ever broken up with someone for a specific trait you found out you were unable to deal with? I want to know these things!

*Yes, I just made a Power Rangers: The Movie reference, what of it?

On love and loss.

2011-09-29T13:28:00.001-04:00

Recently I was asked the best way to heal a broken heart.

Look, there's no easy way to tell you this, but there is no best way. One of the last times my heart was broken, I cried in my bed for days, almost like it was an obligation I had. Curled up in the corner of a thin mattress, hidden from my roommate in the bottom bunk of our dorm room, I wept for hours at a time. I cried until I felt like I would crack, until my cheeks chafed from the tears that ran over them. I pushed my friends away, I didn't eat, I didn't go to class. I felt like I had lost everything, that I had been snatched up and away from my home and forced to learn to exist on an alien planet where we couldn't love each other anymore.

It took months before I could say his name without feeling a flare of hurt inside of me, and it tooks years before I could honestly wish him well and hope that his life was alright without me in it (before that, I wanted him to hurt as deeply as I did). It's been similar with each boy that has broken my heart.

You cry. You rage. You throw the biggest pity party of your life. You eat what feels like your weight in icecream and you drown yourself in margaritas or shots (or hot chocolate if you're like me circa winter of 2007). You talk about all the shitty things he did to you and you call him names. You get pissed off when your friends start calling him names (because they didn't really know him at all and WHY ARE YOU DEFENSIVE OF THIS GUY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU). You stop listening to your favorite songs because they remind you of that one night you kissed. You miss the feel of his hands on you. You get angry at yourself for missing the feel of his hands on you. You wake up in tears and wonder how your brain could possibly still remember the exact feel of his hands on you.

You dream about him. You have dreams where you relive the end of your relationship. There are dreams where he dies and you are happy. There are dreams where he dies and you are devastated. There are dreams of the future you could've had, with blurry faces of children you can't remember the names of.

You spend every minute reliving every moment that you'd spent together, wondering where you'd gone wrong and what you could've done differently to save you, to save him, to save the collective You that the both of you had combined to be.

The worst part is the loneliness. You have to still your hand every time you reach for your phone. There is no texting, no phone calls, no Twitter replies or e-mails. It is too soon, and you know it, but that doesn't keep you from feeling that pull back to him, the inexorable force the leaves you scraping your nails in the dirt as you try to keep yourself from being dragged back to him. Suddenly, you feel the complete absence of touch from your life, and you wonder if you'll ever feel warm arms wrapped around your body again, or long fingers intertwined with yours, or the pressure of someone's leg against your own. You feel like you are encased in a bubble and you can hardly breathe, thoroughly separated from everyone you love and thinking that any minute you will suffocate and that will be it.

Nobody ever knows how long it lasts. Some people are still feeling the ache years down the line. Some never recover, and have to adjust to their new life as someone who is convinced they are damaged or broken or less than they were before love died in their hearts.

But some of us will find ourselves in a quiet moment, and we are startled with the knowledge that we are fine. We are strong and capable and we will love again, and suddenly we can listen to those damned songs again without tearing up, and we find the strength to put down that bowl of icecream we'd been using to fill the hole inside of us. We remember how to laugh and we understand that we no longer need to push people away and we're able to go out and have fun without feeling bitterness and resentment building in our chests. There is no more fear of being alone, and we realize that we like ourselves and that maybe we are better off without him, and we're able to really remember all the reasons we wouldn't have worked anyway. The calm of this fills us.

And maybe someday, we'll find ourselves in love again. And maybe that love will go up in another burst of phoenix flames, but even if it does we know we can pull ourselves from the ashes of its demise and start again. Love and loss, love and loss. That is what life is filled with. This is what we know.

And if, someday, we find ourselves locked into a relationship with someone that fills us so perfectly, that we could live without but choose not to, someone that we want to share the rest of our lives with -- and it turns out that they want us, too -- then all the better, because we can compare this new, thriving love with the one that wilted and stung us.

I'm a firm believer in learning from your past mistakes, and that every relationship that ends is making way for a better one in your future, and that anyone who would leave you doesn't deserve you, and that we are all great people existing on different planes and not everyone will be on the same level as you. I'm a firm believer in being okay by yourself first, and that people can tell when you are desperate for companionship because you are afraid of being alone and they will take advantage of that.

I know that Real Love exists, and I have concrete examples in my life of people who have amazing relationships that fill me with envy for how well these two individuals work together. But I know that to settle for something less than what will make us happy, to tie ourselves to somebody that will not encourage the best from us, is a discredit to not only ourselves but to them. And I'd rather be alone and learning more about my own life than stuck in a relationship with someone that does not (or cannot) understand me, give me what I need, and make me want good things for them in return.

TL;DR, sorry.

THIS BLOG SUCKS.

2011-07-06T15:15:00.002-04:00

No, really. I'm butts at updating this the way I'd like to. My original intention with this blog was to have something that family and friends could read to keep up with the goings-on of Christa, in addition to having an outlet to stretch my writing muscles. I don't want to get rusty in my old age.

Since starting it a few years ago, it's undergone several re-vamps. I keep trying to turn it into something it's not, which explains the trouble I have with updating.

Plus, there's always pressure. BE MORE INTERESTING. SAY SOMETHING WISE. DO SOMETHING TO WARRANT THE COMMENTS AND ATTENTION YOU (I?) DESPERATELY WANT THIS TO BRING. Ridiculous. I am ridiculous.

I make no promises. This is the third time I've tried to start over here, with the intentions of turning this into something worthy of its name.

But really, the URL is CHRISTA LOVES and should be something that I *want* to update, something that I DO love.

If you stick around, you'll be subjected to random pictures, lots of CAPSLOCK, and silly stories from my mundane life. I can't promise that it'll always be funny or entertaining, but I promise it'll be honest and Real.

To Love Life by Ellen Bass

2010-10-28T12:36:00.001-04:00

The thing is
to love life
to love it even when you have no
stomach for it, when everything you've held
dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands
and your throat is filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you so heavily
it's like heat, tropical, moist
thickening the air so it's heavy like water
more fit for gills than lungs.
When grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief.
How long can a body withstand this? you think,
and yet you hold life like a face between your palms,
a plain face, with no charming smile
or twinkle in her eye,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you again.

[To Love Life by Ellen Bass]

Today isn't a good day and I'm emotional and discouraged and cranky and tired, so I'm posting this poem because I love it so much and I'm hoping it will help break me out of this funk.